- CHAPTER 4 -
What is Love?

The entire Bible message has a special emphasis on love. The Bible says, “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” (1 John 4:8) To truly reflect the image of God, we must love just as God is love. God created humanity for love and this becomes apparent by God’s commands. When Jesus Christ was questioned by teachers of His day they asked, “Which is the greatest commandment in the law?” Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” “Well said, teacher,” the man replied. (Mark 12:30-33) The man knew this to be true and deep within our hearts we know this to be true. The life we were intended to live is a life of love, and by doing this we find the fulfillment of life.

This is echoed throughout all societies and cultures that develop systems of government. Laws are created to preserve love, not merely life alone. Life without love leads to misery and suicide. Children that do not grow within a loving environment develop deep sociological problems that often lead to crime and/or mental health issues. Rarely does a criminal arise that has lived in loving family environment. The horrific deeds of humanity stem from a lack of love, either given or received. As such, laws are created to preserve love and motivate people to live in harmony. As such, there is no greater commandment than love.

Love involves living in peace and harmony with others. It also involves trust, loyalty, honesty, righteousness, kindness, care, thoughtfulness, meekness, and joy. When these are broken, a law is made to protect love. If life preservation alone were the goal, then many laws would be unnecessary. Such is the case with rape. The horror of sexual crimes is due to the violation of the person. Rather than allow a person the right to offer their body freely in the engagement of sex, the person is robbed of their choice and denied the right to love willingly. They are forced against their will. If the preservation of human life were the ultimate goal, then rape would be required for the progression of the human race. Men would be commanded to forcefully impregnate women so as to populate the human species. However, since such an act is a direct violation of love; it is a most horrendous act. The destruction from rape runs deep leaving victims emotionally scarred for life.

Love is essential to the being of humanity. We feel this, know this, and sing about it. How much of our music centers on love? How much of our passion lies within love? We want to be loved and to give love. This is most apparent in children who love unconditionally. Children hold their parents in high esteem even when the parents have failed them. Children will remain loyal to a parent even after the parent has left. Children trust adults far too easily and must be warned of “strangers” who might otherwise harm them. Young children will give hugs, make cards, and buy presents for their school teachers. Regularly, children confess their love openly. We adore children for their loving hearts and honor them for their innocence.

As adults, however, we know a darker side of life where love has been crippled and killed. We know pain and guilt. We have felt our heart break as we lose a loved one. Our only defense, often times, is to harden our heart so as to keep love from penetrating the depth of our soul. Because of this, many have lost sight of the true meaning of love. As such, we need a refresher as to what it means. What is love?

An internet quip that has circled through inboxes offers insight from the eyes of children. The origin of this has been lost online. Nonetheless, these comments illustrate well what love is all about.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8-year-olds, “What does love mean?” The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca - age 8

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy - age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl - age 5

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy - age 6

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” Danny - age 7

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend whom you hate.” Nikka - age 6

“There are two kinds of love. Our love. God’s love. But God makes both kinds of them.” Jenny - age 4

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle - age 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy - age 6

“Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.” Elaine - age 5

“Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.” Chris - age 8

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” Mary Ann - age 4

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren - age 4

“I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her.” Bethany - age 4

“Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.” Mark - age 6

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica - age 8

It is important to note that many of these children know what love is based upon the love seen shared between their parents. Children know they are loved because their parents love one another. Whenever the love between parents is broken, then the child becomes insecure and wonders if the parent really loves them. This is why divorce is so destructive in proper development of children. It is a natural and logical conclusion for a child to think: ‘If mommy and daddy are leaving one another, they might also leave me.’

Love is shared. This truth applies to all relationships whether with friends or family. If my spouse didn’t love her parents, then how could she love me? If a friend doesn’t love a neighbor, then how could he love me? We know and feel loved by the way we love others. How we love one person will echo into the lives of everyone else we live with. The ripples of love are lasting whether it is love pronounced, love denied, or love broken.

What is love?

Many define love by the feeling it brings. In doing this, we are identifying love with affection, the warm feeling we have when we are held close to someone we love. This euphoric feeling is most pronounced in the excitement and allure of romance and attraction. Indeed, we would not deny that this is love. This warm feeling swells inside our heart while drawing us toward others in passionate embraces. However, if we were to define love simply on this basis, then we miss a whole range of other qualities that love possesses. Love may involve a feeling but love is not a feeling in itself. If love were a feeling, then love would not be lasting as feelings change dynamically.

True love is everlasting. When love is shared, we do not expect or desire love to ever end. Children especially magnify this truth. As children, we do not expect love to be temporary. Children will write “friends forever” on their school folders or text message “bbf” (best friends forever) on their cell phones. Even young lovers dream of a love everlasting, thriving beyond death and throughout all time. This is a theme that plays throughout human imagination. The greatest stories of humankind center on a love everlasting. We wish for this. We hope for it. And in fact, we don’t ever imagine love could end until our heart has been broken. Only then do we question whether true love exists or whether it is just a fairy tale told to entertain the hearts of children. And yet, we see glimpses of love transcending the moment.

An excellent example of persistent love comes in sacrifice. When a mother awakes in the middle of the night to change the sullied diaper of her child, she does so in love. When a husband stands by the hospital bed of his dying wife with cancer even after days without sleep, he does so in love. Love motivates and compels people to climb the highest mountains, cross the longest valleys, and chase the wildest dreams. People will give their lives in love. At one time, there may have been an affectionate feeling of intimacy. In the face of suffering, however, love grips a deeper desire than mere feelings can produce.

Love is an activity of the will that involves a deep commitment. When two people come together in marriage, they say “I do” to a list of vows. They intentionally bind themselves together as one “until death do us part.” The marriage faces many trials and tribulations as the two learn what it means becoming one. Marriages last on commitment not feeling. They stay together despite hardship, trial, or even selfish want because they are committed.

Love involves a sacrifice and commitment; but if we define love simply as a sacrificial commitment, then it excludes the motivation behind love. Hatred is also sacrificially committed. A person who spurns a deep hatred for another does so with the deepest commitment, not giving up until their hatred is fulfilled. A suicide bomber doesn’t stop until death occurs. A person with a vengeance doesn’t stop until they’ve had revenge. So what separates the two? What differs between love and hate? The answer lies within the heart.

Both love and hate involve an intentional and persistent pursuit. Both may involve deep feelings and sacrifices. However, they differ in motive. Hate is motivated by selfishness seeking to exploit the other for personal gain. Love is motivated by goodness seeking what is best for the other despite the self. Hate seeks to destroy. Love seeks to build. Hates makes war. Love makes peace. Hate divides. Love unites. Hate doesn’t care about the other person. Love cares, so much so, to lose them would bring deep sorrow.

The Bible defines love as this: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

At the heart of all these qualities, we see a common thread: love desires eternal fellowship and community where unique individuals operate as one body. Love seeks to be one without violating or destroying the individual. Love involves relationship. As such, it is important to note the significance of the self, in other words, the soul or person in relation to the matter. Love does not deny the existence of self or belittle the value of self. Rather, love embraces two as one. When one person loves another, they value the other person and themselves realizing the impact of themselves on the other person. In this way, their own life has value in relation to how they value the other.

This is seen in parents when they have children. A mother who may have never considered the value of her own life will start taking steps toward better health because she realizes how her life is directly connected to the child within her. A father will also realize the importance of his own life to his children. He may have once drank and smoked, but quits after the birth of his children realizing how they harm the life of his children. His love for them motivates these changes.

Love does not devalue the self, but says, “Despite myself, I want what is best for you.” Love denies self in order to give toward the betterment of another; however, love never belittles self. Love considers others in relation to self; hence, why the Biblical command says ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’ If the self is worthless then we would not value others either as love beckons us to do.

This is important to understand when thinking about love. For instance, let us say a friend of yours sees that you are hurting. While walking, you have tripped and fallen on the floor. What you need is your friend to help you up. However, seeing that you have fallen, your friend intentionally falls just as you have. Puzzled, you ask, “Why did you do that?” The friend replies, “Because I am worthless and you are valuable. Because you have fallen, so have I.” The friend belittled herself and did not help you. Now you both have fallen. This is not the way of love. If your friend had truly loved you, she would have helped you up.

Another example is given in the Bible when Jesus was challenged. The command to ‘love your neighbor as yourself’ was given but the man wanted to justify himself, so he asked,

“And who is my neighbor?’’

In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’ Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.” Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.” (Luke 10:29-37)

We see in this parable that the Samaritan was not concerned with his worth in relation to the other. He was not worried about how others would view him. He was not worried about the social boundaries that stood between them. He was not concerned about his own existence, but simply what was best for the other man. The Samaritan was not “self-seeking.” He was kind and generous.

In John 15:13, Jesus says, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” This is the greatest extent of love: when we have the opportunity to do the greatest good, we do. It is not something we feel forced to do or something we do not wish to do. Rather, love is the willful offering of ourselves in joy toward the good of another. We desire to give, receive, share, and be bound to the object of our love. At the heart of love is an intentional choice that seeks to be fulfilled.

If a person should take our life, we deem this murder. If a person lay on a hospital bed dying from a failing liver, and another person was killed to supply that liver, we would call this murder unless the person gave their life willingly. When a person lays down their life intentionally to save another, we call that person a hero. When firefighters run into a fiery blaze to help save the suffering victims, not thinking of their own life, we celebrate them as a hero for such a great act of love. When a soldier dies on the front line trying to protect their loved ones back home, we recognize this as love. We honor those men and women that sacrifice their lives to benefit others. They are honored for their willful act of sacrifice. They were seeking our best.

At the heart of love is a willful and passionate choice. Without this freedom, love cannot happen. It is this willingness that we delight in when love is expressed. When a husband unexpectedly hands his wife a costly diamond necklace, one she knew cost him many months of work, to show how much he loves and values her; she delights in his gift. However, if days before, the wife demanded the necklace because she felt she deserved it, then the gift is given in obligation and not love. When a person is held at gun point and demanded to turn over the keys to their car, we call this theft. However, if a person willingly walks over and hands over the keys, we call this charity. One is a violation of the person, while the other is an act of love. Love needs the freedom to willfully choose whether or not to love. We need liberty to love truly.

Being able to love means we may choose to give or deny of ourselves. We may give trust or deny trust. We may give loyalty or deny loyalty. We may be committed or avoid commitment. We may help or walk away. We may submit or we may fight. We may honor or disgrace. We may steal or ask. We may covet or respect. We may believe or disbelieve. We have the freedom to choose between right or wrong, life or death, good or evil.

At the beginning, God placed the first man and woman in a garden with two trees. God gave them the freedom of choice. He did this because He loved them and He wanted their love in return. God would not force them to love Him. The choice was theirs. But what they chose was a life separated from God for which we now suffer.